Stumbling Block

It has been a rough couple of days. I'm not writing this entry as an attempt to feel pity or to vent, but simply because I feel I need to write it down so I can grow from it... maybe reflect on it later - who knows.

Last Saturday, I was able to sit down with Mothra and discuss the menu writing process and my experience with it. I told her the honest truth by saying I worked incredibly hard on it at work and in my free time but it is incredibly difficult for me. She said that she has intentionally been staying out of the way so I can try to gain as much experience as I can with this process, but she felt she finally had to step in and take over. She said that this is something I need to master - but that it would take some time. Following that, she told me that there was a great opportunity for leadership in the pastry department at a new hotel that is opening in the city though she told me that she would not give me a recommendation for it because she doesn't feel I'm ready. I'm not sure if the shock was apparent on my face, but regardless, she kept on by saying that one of my best attributes is also one of my major downfalls in this career - and that is I try to make everyone happy. I was told that I don't have an opinion about many things and that if there is something I don't like, I have a problem saying it. She also said that if she put a couple of items in front of me, she doubts that I would be able to identify what would be the most popular. Part of me knows Mothra told me all of this so I could know that these things are an issue and that I need to work on them, but at the same time, it was said in such a way that didn't feel remotely encouraging - in fact, I felt small and humiliated.
I left her office telling myself that I needed to work harder, but the motivation to do it just wasn't there. I can't explain it but it was such a blow to my ego to be putting my all into this job and especially this menu-writing project just to be told that my efforts are not good enough.
The next day, Mothra was off, so I was able to work independently on getting various tasks and projects accomplished, but there seemed to be a cloud over my head that made me feel like I wasn't doing enough or what I was doing wasn't good enough. I think that is the problem with having a negative perspective - as I write this, I can look back on retrospect and know that I did do my best and that it was good, but at the time I just couldn't see it.
As a result, yesterday was painful. I came into work tired because I was stressing about this entire menu process and all the things that Mothra had said to me, and I was simply off all day. Add to the fact that Mothra and I were to present the new menu items to our executive chef that day, the tension was higher than usual. I got yelled at - repeatedly. To the point that I worked for a solid half hour with tears streaming down my face... and the negative emotions I felt simply made the situation worse because I couldn't think straight. So if she asked me to get a garnish for a certain dessert, I grabbed the wrong one. Or I misplaced something and spent extra time to find it. Or she asked me to do a simple task and it didn't end up happening correctly. Problems just seemed to be stacking - and on a 12-hour day where this is happening continually, I simply didn't have anything left in me by the end.
The entire bus ride home, I questioned whether I should be doing what I'm doing. Is it worth it? Are the long hours and the belittlement that I was feeling something that I really wanted to continue to put up with? Furthermore, do I really want to be like Mothra?? She has told me on more than one occasion that if I want to be a leader, that I need change my quiet personality and become more outspoken. Do I really need to change who I am to make it in this industry? And so I wrestled with this all night and went to bed seriously doubting myself, my experience, my education and most of all, my career. What would I do if I didn't do pastry?

Truth is, there is only a handful of things that I can think of that would make me as happy as I feel doing what I do - but this is what I want to be doing. Granted, it has only been one day since my self-proclaimed "worst-day-of-my-professional-career", but pastry is my love. It's my passion. And even though I got side-tracked because I have weaknesses to overcome (and a tougher skin to develop), I know that I am on the right track to becoming a successful pastry chef. Maybe it'll just take a little longer than anticipated so I can refine these skills. And maybe I don't need the strange humiliatingly belittling/incredibly supportive personality of Mothra, but I'm going to make it. That is the bottom line.

Regardless, let me put it on record that Mothra is, hands down, my biggest fan and my worst enemy - and I still have a lot to learn.